My father lost his job and he has been living with us for a few weeks. Weeks before, it was my little sister, my mother, and I living with one another. I guess my mother felt obligated to let him live with us until he found employment. Although he and I have made peace with each other, he living with us has caused some of my negative feelings to reawaken. My father has been a significant factor of my depression since I was in middle school. He is one of the reasons why I have been miserable. I was not aware that he was the cause of me feeling anxious, distraught, and discontented until my therapist mentioned it a few weeks ago.
Once she explained why she said that, it all made sense to me. I rarely go to her sessions anymore. My mother still has financial burdens, and she constantly reminds me that she cannot afford them because she has other bills to pay for. I would pay for my treatment, but even I am having financial burdens. I would probably have to find another job in order to receive the full benefit of it. At first, I was seeing my therapist twice a week. My mother was elated to see me improving in such a short amount of time. However, she did not know she was paying two-hundred dollars a session. Once she found out how much money was deducted from her bank account, she suggested that I see my therapist once a week.
I was okay with that, and so I continued to visit her. At some point in time, my mother still had difficulty affording my sessions. I was going once every two weeks. Not only has my father caused me to feel distraught, anxious, and angry, but also my mother as well. Not to mention, I rarely visit my therapist now. Déjà vu and lack of therapy has caused me to feel like I am returning to where I once was. I have been doing everything I can to avoid seeing my father – no, my mother – no, my family, especially when we are present in the house. I am somewhat surprised that I am still able to smile. I feel like my thoughts have been racing. No matter how many times I try to calm myself down, my anxiety still rests in the middle of my chest. I have attempted to purge myself of my emotions by crying, but I still feel deeply agitated. I have had a few nightmares, which has pertained to my stress. I want to find an apartment; I need to move out. I explained to my mother that my father has been and always will be a factor of what has happened to me in the past. She does not, nor will she ever understand any problem I address to her. She repeatedly has asked me, “What did he do or say to you?”
I want to shed tears right now, but they are hesitating to leave my face. I do not want to return to that bloody place, figuratively and literally.